It's been two weeks since the 'The incident' happened. And all I did was replay the whole thing in my mind several times,constantly thought about how his touch ignited something in me. Something that I didn't even know that existed.
But he? He has been nonchalant about the whole thing. It's like nothing happened. Well nothing happened! If nothing happened for him then nothing happened for me as well.
It's been the same routine for me this past week. Eat, read books, gossip with Aaliyah and Meena,roam around the palace like a jobless person,eat again,annoy my husband at night while he does the same(with his annoying face and charm),sleep and wake up in my husband's arms. Which has resulted in me getting up all flushed,hot and red every single day.
No matter how far I am when I sleep at night, I find myself in his arms every single morning, his face between the crook of my neck,his arms caging me between his chest and his legs dangling over mine. And when I try to run free from his arms he pulls me even closer,which is logically impossible.
Even though I resist his touch and try to get out from his embrace it's the weakest resistance anyone can ever put up. I act like I am resisting for the sake of my inner 'I tried' self' but in all honesty I snuck in more closer.
I feel safe in his arms than I ever did. And as much as I hate to admit what's the point of lying to your own self. I will save that for my husband.
I look at myself in the mirror finding myself flustered from the thoughts,again. I press my palm against my cheeks and it's feels like I am burning with a fever. But I am not. And I hate it because his touch has too much effect on me and he's not even touching me in any way for me to get all hot and bothered. And yet I can't bring myself to stop thinking about it,about him. All the time.
"What are you always lost in your thoughts? You know I am here for you. You can tell me anything you want." Meena said securing the anklet around my feet.
No I can't. There's a lot of things I can't share. And definitely not what I am thinking right now.
"Oh I know my little baby. I know you are here for me." I cupped her face with my fingers waving it side to side.
She pouted at this action. She doesn't like it when I call her a baby. She is supposedly an adult and a mature woman.
"Don't call me a baby baisa! I am not a baby!" She whined.
See,she is a baby.
"Yes,yes you are not a baby. You are the most mature person I know." I go along with her as always.
But I can see she is not convinced,as always.
"Whatever. You are only saying that for now. I know you will tease me again later."
I will.
"Kaun kisko ched raha hain?" Aaliyah said acting like she is peeking.
( Who's teasing whom?)
"Dekhiye na Aaliyah jiji baisa ched rahi hain humko ye kehke ke hum nanhe se hain! Aap bataiye hum toh baade hain na?"
( See Aaliyah jiji,baisa is teasing me saying I am a little baby! You tell me I am a grown up right?)
Aaliyah squished in the same manner that I did and nodded at her.
She stomped her feet. "Humein nehi karni baat aap logo se. Hum jaa rahe hain. Sab humein humesha ched te rehte hain."
( I don't want to talk to you both. I am going. Everyone keeps teasing me every time.)
Aaliyah and I both crackled up as she left mumbling something.
"Aapko dekhne koyi aya hain bhabijaan."
( Someone is here to meet with you bhabijaan.)
I looked at her curiously placing the veil on top of my head as she went out to bring someone in.
"Assalamualaikum bhabijaan. Our meeting was long overdue wasn't it?" Saad said grinning at me like a schoolboy.
It was. I have been planning to meet him since I came here. But I don't know it kept getting postponed for some reason. Whenever I wanted to meet him something came up and I forgot.
Saad is much closer to my age. He looks he is in his early twenties which makes the boyish look still visible on him. He looks like a younger version of Sultan.
"And what delayed your visit deavarji?" I asked getting up from my vanity chair.
"Your annoying husband! My work duties is increasing day by day and your husband is only responsible for it. He himself is a workaholic and he is making me one too. You tell me, isn't it the age for me to roam around freely and woo ladies. Not that ladies aren't already attracted to me already." He winked at me.
I chuckled at him. I think I already like him.
"Chi bhaijaan!" Aaliyah slapped his arms lightly. He gave her a what look.
"Isko chodiye. Aapne shauhar se kahiye humari kaam thodi kam kare. Ese toh itni hi umar mein Allah ko pyaare ho jayenge."
( Leave her. Tell your husband to reduce my workload. If this keeps going on I would be expired only in this age.)
"Astagfirullah bhaijaan! Kuch bhi bolte hain aap. Allah maaf kare. Allah kare humari sari umar bhi aapko lag jaye."
( God forbid brother!You say anything and everything! May Allah forgive you. I pray that you live even my lifespan.)
He patted her cheeks. He made me wish I had a big brother. Being the only child of my parents wasn't really something I liked. They were both busy building their own careers while I stayed at home playing with my same old toys. When I got bored I looked through our balcony to wait for them,wait until they came home. Sometimes they left me at my grandparents house since it was close but nobody can fill the void of your parents or having a sibling.
I don't blame them. I know they were busy creating a better life for me. For their hardships I could dare to dream of studying abroad.I know they didn't like leaving me too. That's why I wanted a sibling always. Someone I can share an unbreakable bond with. My eyes blurred with tears.
I quickly turned around to wipe my tears. I don't like showing anyone I am crying. I feel like they will see through my soul and find out my weakness. Then they would do the worst thing to me. I know it's overacting for some people. But for some reason I could never get myself to cry out loud in front people.
Except for that one night,in my husband's arms.Stupid.
"Yes,yes I will. But it's a request please tell him to reduce my workload." He whined like a baby.
I laughed at him. "I will try. No guarantee though."
He is so different from his brother. While Sultan is calculating and calm,Saad is a burst of energy. They are two opposite characters but still showing everything to prove they are brothers.
For the rest of the evening me and Aaliyah talked as Saad had to leave for his said extreme workload. We ate and gossiped about everything and anything.I wanted to ask about Rashid's mother a lot of times. Builded up the moment to drop the question but something in me stopped me. Maybe I should ask him directly.
I know his father is dead but what about his mother. Aaliyah told me they were not from the same mother but father. His father married twice having a lot of concubines by his side. I cringed at the thought. I feel automatically bad for his mother even though I never met her. If my husband were to have several women around him I would have killed him.
I really would.
I never really met my mother-in-law neither my step mother-in-law. They both didn't come to see me neither was I encouraged to go see them. I want to take the initiative but I am scared I would overstep my boundaries. What if there's something I don't know.
By the time Aaliyah left the sun was setting. So I ran to the balcony and to do what I do every single day. Watch the sun setting leaving its beautiful orange,pink and purple hue. Even when I was in California,the state which in my opinion has the best sunsets, I would always admire the sunsets wherever I was. Sometimes even took my mobile out and made almost fifty videos of the same thing.
But to add more to my misery there's no beautiful sunset today. The sky is gloomy like someone has made it upset. The weather only letting people know it's going to rain soon.
I don't love rain. But I don't hate it too. I just never had the luck of enjoying it like some people. I know I wanted to. Get drenched alone or with my partner but I didn't have the chance. The only time I got drenched was when I didn't bring my umbrella and I was making a run for it.
"What are you looking at so intensely?"
I wouldn't make any mistake recognising that voice,anywhere. I think I would even recognise it in my sleep. Weird, I know.
"The sun. I was trying to watch the sunset. But the weather is really gloomy today." I don't turn around neither does he tell me to.
Instead he stands just behind me. I could feel his chest on my back. He said he won't touch me but he keeps touching me at every chance he gets and I don't stop him. Sly man. Maybe that makes me a sly woman too.Somewhere along the way I stopped fighting this feeling. Instead I have started to busk in it.Maybe I do yearn for him,for his touch. Admitting it is not in my plan.
But it doesn't stop me from being afraid. Afraid of what he is able to do,afraid that he will use me and never look at me ever again, afraid that once we consummate our marriage we won't share the same bed ever again, afraid that I don't know anything about him, maybe some small details I learned from our night talks and from Aaliyah.
Like he loves green, how he loves meat and eat for three people, how his nose scrunches like a baby when there's some vegetable involved in his meal but he is too egoistic to admit,how he sleeps with his mouth slightly open but wakes up at the slightest noise and how he is a workaholic.
But it isn't enough. I want to know more. I want to know everything he has to tell me. I know nothing about him. Because he tells me nothing about him. Maybe he has nothing to talk to me about. And the thought makes my chest swell with, I don't know what. But the feeling is not nice. He always asks and I answer. Mostly lie moderately since my life is not anywhere near Yaksha's.
( You carry the worry for the whole world in your small head,don't you?)
He rubs my exposed belly with fingers. There it is. The innocent but not so innocent touch. My body shivers as he continues his gentle touch. I want to tell him to stop touching me but the words are somehow stuck in my mouth.
"Esa kyun laga aapko?"
( Why do you think so?)
I turned to my face slightly to face him but turned back immediately. His face was way too close than I would like it to be. And it is dangerous for my self control.
Pura din kheyalo mein jo khoyi rehti hain.
( You are lost in your world the whole day.)
Maybe I was imagining it but I felt like he was taking my scent in. His height made him way longer than me which resulted his chin just above my head. Yes.I was definitely imagining it.
Before I could say anything droplet of water fell onto my resting hands of the railing. It was raining. Soon it started pouring.
"Let's go inside. It's raining heavily." He said tugging my hands.
I didn't want to. I had the urge to fulfil that incomplete wish of mine to get drenched in the rain. He raises his brows as I don't comply by him. He gives me a questioning look.
"I don't want to." I protest.
"But you will fall sick. Come."
As much as I love him caring for me I don't want to be controlled.
I break free from his hold leaving him puzzled and walk through the inner door which leads to the yard with all beautiful flowers and all. It's a garden meant for just me and the sultan. No one else is allowed to enter here.
As I exit through the door the rain hits me. I am fully drenched in few minutes and I have never felt so fresh. So carefree. It's like the rain is washing away all my pain,worries. I see why people love rain so much. I think I love the rain too.
I feel a sudden tug in my wrist causing me to turn and it's Rashid. Anger,worry and frustration is flashing across his face but I can't exactly tell which emotion is more than the other.
"Are you crazy? Why did you come here? You will fall sick if you stand in this pouring rain. Come inside. Right now!"
Okay anger is overpowered here. I feel like being a brat won't help me here so I go for the 'please' strategy.
"I don't want to. It feels so nice! Why don't you join me too! I am sure you will feel good too. It is so refreshing so a-"
He doesn't let me finish my sentence. Which I am offended by.
"Begum. Let's not be irrational and head inside,shall we?" His tone is no longer angered. It's calm,patient and manipulating. If I didn't know better I would have thought sweet too.
"No!"
His eyes are no longer on my face. They are..they are roaming around. All over my body. Taking every inch of me. And he has never looked at me like that before. His eyes linger a little longer on my neck making me conscious and burn at the same time.
I notice the wet clothes sticking around my body making its every shape and curve visible. And I am confused picking between running inside or running into his arms. Either way I want to hide.
"Begum." His tone has changed again. It's husky and low. It sounds like desire,craving. I want to run away so his voice can't be heard but my feet can't seem to move. All my body could do was stand there and look at him with the same burn.
He pulled me towards him. Our bodies brushing together while rain still poured heavily. My chest heaves up and down as I look at his eyes. While I can't figure out what I am thinking, I bet he knows everything I am feeling.
Even though it's raining hard my full body is hot. It can barely function properly. I look up at him and gulp seeing how he is looking at me. He pulls me even more closer. As if I wasn't close enough.
My breast brush against his chest making my nipples harden a bit. Can he feel it? I would be embarrassed as hell if he did.One of his hands clutched the back of my neck with a sudden urge and the other one is on my waist.
Too similar to a predator keeping its prey in position so that it can't escape before devouring the life out of it.
The animals of the zoo of my stomach all broke free when his lips brush against mine. He is not kissing me. He is just brushing his lips against mine. He said he won't touch me,a sound rang in the back of my head but I told it to go to hell. Because right now I can't focus on anything but his lips.
My breath was caught in my throat and my body tingled with excitement as he started speaking against my lips.
"You know how I feel about your disobedience don't you? So if you don't want me to break my promise and punish you in a certain way, I suggest you run inside,change your clothes and sleep right away."
I could barely register what he was saying. Something about changing and sleeping. Why won't he just kiss me! I want to lean forward but I am afraid at the same time. Afraid of rejection.
All of a sudden his body left mine. I am deprived of any touch. He does that very often,doesn't he?
My nose flare at his action and I glare at him. For leaving me high and dry. Again.
"Go. Inside. Now." His voice is a bare whisper. Like he is controlling something.
Fine I will. I don't look back and run inside without any second thoughts.
I go inside the bathing chamber and take a normal bath and change out of my wet clothes. Frustration running through my body. How dare he! And how dare I! How could I be such a hypocrite!
When I enter the room I don't see him. Which makes me angrier. I lie down and try to think about what exactly am I angry about. That he didn't touch me the way I wanted him to or the fact that he touched me at all. Something told me it's the former one. I am also scared,scared of getting carried away. What if I am just a pawn in his political plans. One moment I am getting carried away and the next moment he will leave me heartbroken. I can't risk losing my heart and sanity here. Where I know no one. So falling in love is not an option.
But one thing I am sure of is I am angry at him and at myself for getting carried away. And he would feel every ounce of my disappointment. But will I be able to restrain myself when his one look has me burning for him? I sigh and feel my eyes closing slowly.
Too similar to a predator keeping its prey in position so that it can't escape before devouring the life out of it.
The animals of the zoo of my stomach all broke free when his lips brush against mine. He is not kissing me. He is just brushing his lips against mine. He said he won't touch me,a sound rang in the back of my head but I told it to go to hell. Because right now I can't focus on anything but his lips.
My breath was caught in my throat and my body tingled with excitement as he started speaking against my lips.
"You know how I feel about your disobedience don't you? So if you don't want me to break my promise and punish you in a certain way, I suggest you run inside,change your clothes and sleep right away."
I could barely register what he was saying. Something about changing and sleeping. Why won't he just kiss me! I want to lean forward but I am afraid at the same time. Afraid of rejection.
All of a sudden his body left mine. I am deprived of any touch. He does that very often,doesn't he?
My nose flare at his action and I glare at him. For leaving me high and dry. Again.
"Go. Inside. Now." His voice is a bare whisper. Like he is controlling something.
Fine I will. I don't look back and run inside without any second thoughts.
I go inside the bathing chamber and take a normal bath and change out of my wet clothes. Frustration running through my body. How dare he! And how dare I! How could I be such a hypocrite!
When I enter the room I don't see him. Which makes me angrier. I lie down and try to think about what exactly am I angry about. That he didn't touch me the way I wanted him to or the fact that he touched me at all. Something told me it's the former one. I am also scared,scared of getting carried away. What if I am just a pawn in his political plans. One moment I am getting carried away and the next moment he will leave me heartbroken. I can't risk losing my heart and sanity here. Where I know no one. So falling in love is not an option.
But one thing I am sure of is I am angry at him and at myself for getting carried away. And he would feel every ounce of my disappointment. But will I be able to restrain myself when his one look has me burning for him? I sigh and feel my eyes closing slowly.
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