Aaliyah's POV

Bhabijaan was attacked. 

I sat down as all my brothers paced outside her chamber apart from Baade Bhaijaan. Even Deewan Saheb was inside with him. 

When we arrived here, they were already here. And it's been a day since she has been unconscious. I don't remember the last time I have seen Bhaijaan so out of order, so uneasy, disturbed or have I ever seen him like that at all.

My heart raced at the thought of something happening to her. She was becoming a mother figure that I missed, craved all my life. She was filling an empty spot in my life. I have come to seek her at every inconvenience of my life, run to her even when I have nothing to say at all but seeing her like that made me anxious. 

That same feeling of darkness crawled back into my whole body even when I tried to act my best, my fingers would tremble here and there. I would feel hot one minute and cold the next minute. I hate how easily I get like this, how easy it is for something to break me. 

"Sab theek ho jayega, itni pareshaan na ho Noor." My brother's voice came from the side as I sat on a nearby ground.

(Everything will be fine, don't be so worried Noor.)

I turned around so I didn't have to face him, my bangles and anklets making soft noises. How long has it been since he came here? A month or two? I don't know and I don't care enough to count his arrival anyway. I lied to myself. People lie to each other but I tend to lie to myself a lot. Why? It's easier, less painful that way. 

"Humne aapse nahi pucha." I used a tone I never use with him or anyone else.

(I didn't ask you.) 

"Noor..." His voice broke slightly. '

Thirty-seven days since he came back, my mind whispered involuntarily. But I didn't go seek him, not even once. He left me first, he left me alone with my monsters. All alone to fetch for myself. I was and am fine, I don't need him anymore. 

"What do you want, bhai?" I refused to look at him, afraid if I did I might end up in tears. And he is the last person I want to cry in front of.

"I want to talk to you, just like before. How come you didn't come meet me once? I was waiting for you, I thought if I gave you space you would come around by yourself. But you never came." His voice carried a sad tone.

I gathered all my courage as I stood outside Bhai's bedchamber. It took me a lot of courage to come here all the way, to finally muster up the courage to talk to him about it. I stood outside, my fingers rubbing against my scared wrist in a circle. 

"Can you please announce my arrival?" I requested the guard standing outside his chamber.

As soon as I entered his chamber, it felt like I was intruding a moment I wasn' supposed to. His chamber was chaotic, not much but just enough for attendees scattered around and packing things. 

"Kahi ja rahe hain bhai aap?" I asked him.

(Are you going somewhere brother?)

Weird. I don't remember him informing me about going somewhere. 

"Haan, Noor. Humein ek ahem kaam ke liye jaana hoga chan dino ke liye." He turned to look at me briefly before ordering something to an attendee. 

(Yes, Noor. I have to go to important work for a few days.)

Going? He is going away? 

"Kitne dino ke liye? Kab wapis aayenge aap?"

(For how many days? When will you come back?)

"I don't know yet, Noor."

Oh no. What if it takes him a long time for him to come back? I need to tell him. I need him to know what I go through every time I face ammi. 

"Bhai.... I need to tell you something." I tugged on his sleeves. 

He turned around to look at me seriously, giving me a gentle nod he urged me to tell him. 

"Bhai, ammi-" 

"You should leave now, beta." Ammi's voice rang behind us. No! No no no!

"Aapki baatein hum wapis aake sunenge, Noor. Theek hain?" He left a kiss on my forehead as I saw his figure fading away.

(I will listen to you when I come back, Noor. Okay?)

But he didn't. He didn't come back nor did he listen to me. 

"Oh," I said in a mocking tone. "Like before? You mean before you left me all alone? Before you went away to plan against Baade Bhaijaan?" I finally gathered my courage to look at him. 

"I didn't go because I wanted Noor," He sounded defeated, tired almost. "I had to. You know Ammi more than anyone else. If I didn't go she wouldn't have stopped at nothing. I went so she would think I am working for her, and if she thought that she would stop plotting against bhaijaan in other ways, making trust on me."

"You want me to believe that?"

"Believe in whatever you want to, Noor. I cannot force you but I won't stop amending things to you, coming to you. You are my other half Noor, my little sister. I adore you more than anyone else in the world."

"Even Bhabijaan?" I couldn't stop myself. You were supposed to be mad at him stupid, I scolded myself internally. 

"No." Just a short, simple answer. But then added more. "I have come to cherish her more than I thought I would have. She is a missing piece of me, my way closer to Allah, my heart lies in her." His gaze softened ever so slightly. My eyes widened a bit in surprise. This is my bhai? My Khair Bhai? When did he learn to talk like that? 

'Khushi hui janke, koyi toh hain aapke kareebi. Aapko sunne wali." I smiled despite telling myself I wasn't going to warm up to him. After all not everyone has someone like that.

(I am glad to know that at least someone is dear to you. Someone who listens to you.) 

"Noor I-" I cut him off as I saw Deewan Saheb exiting Bhabijaan's Chamber. "I will talk to you later bhai." I got up leaving bhai stunned and he sat there. 

"Aap kaisi hain Bhabijaan ki tabbiyat?" I asked while approaching him. I know he probably still isn't ready to talk to me but I needed to know. 

(How is Bhabijaan now?) 

He shook his head horizontally indicating there is no improvement. My face fell down. It had already been good one day! Why wouldn't she regain her consciousness? 

"The physicians?" 

"They said they had done everything they could have done." 

"What does that even mean? They have done everything they could have done? If so, why hasn't she woke up yet?" My eyes welled with tears. 

"Shehzadi Sahiba...." He tried to resonate. "Begum Sahiba will get well soon, yes? You should pray in the meantime so Allah can fasten her recovery."

"Sach mein? Jald theek ho jayegi woh? Kya waqai woh jald hi theek ho jayegi?" The tear that threatened to fall, finally making its way past my cheeks.

(Really? Will she get well soon? Really, will she recover soon?) 

"Ji Shehzadi Sahiba, aapne khuda pe yakeen kare." He leaned closer, his thumb brushing away the strained tear, softly and oh so tenderly. My body quivered from the intensity of his touch after so many eyes. I wanted to force myself to cry more so every tear that escaped, his fingers caressed my cheeks in the same way to wipe off each of them. 

(Yes Princess, trust God.)

His eyes softened ever so slightly, looking at me with pity. I don't like the look of pity. It makes me feel small and worthless. I am a princess for God's sake. But if it is coming from him, if pettiness is the only emotion he is ready to give me then I will take it. Allah knows that I will take every single emotion he throws at me. 

But as if realizing the proximity and the intimacy of his action, he quickly withdrew his hands taking a step backwards. My body instantly missed his touch, silently mewling from the loss of it. 

I know this is not the time, it's literally not. But when was even the last time he consoled like this? Four years ago? Five years ago? But why does it feel like an eternity then? 

"Anyways, I have to go. I will let you know if there's any update." He said as I saw his figure retracting. 

I sighed as I turned around to go to the guest chamber of the palace. It was almost sunset which meant I had to pray maghrib. But as I turned around I saw Bhai looking at me with narrowed eyes. Did he....saw us? 

"Noor?" He said softly, way too softly for my liking. "Aapke aur Amir Bhai ke darmiyan kuch chal raha hai kya?" 

( Is there something going on between you and Amir Bhai?)

I gulped. No, there isn't anything going on between us as much as I want otherwise. But he can't know any of it. Can he? No! Have I gone mad or what! Obviously he can't! 

"Itne barson baad aane ke baad hamari zindagi mein shamil hone ka nakamiyaab koshish mat kijiye ga, bhai. Aapko humari fiqar ab nehi jazti." I said hastily before walking away. 

(Don't make a failed attempt of including yourself in my life after so many years of coming back, Bhai. Worrying about me doesn't suit you anymore.) 

I knew I shouldn't have been so rude but closing him off was my one and only option. He is my other half, my brother who knows me through and through. If I lied or tried to say anything else he would catch me instantly. 

So, I did what my first instinct allowed me to do. 

I kept tossing and turning on the new bed of the guest chamber of Ratangarh, as the new bed felt foreign and unfamiliar to me. It wasn't just the bed, it was also several thoughts clouding my brain. The whole situation going on right now, Bhabijaan being unconscious, Bhai taking sudden interest in my life, and most importantly Deewan Saheb still not giving a reply. 

Why isn't Allah listening to me? Are my efforts, my prayers not enough? Have I not waited enough? 

I got up realizing overthinking won't take me nowhere. I layed the prayer mat on the floor offering Tahajjud. There is nothing Tahajjud cannot achieve. As my head hit the ground on the prayer mat in sujood, I couldn't help but sob. 

The velvet of the prayer mat absorbed my tears everutime I sought comfort from it. It felt like the comfort of my God, like he was hugging me and telling me everything shall be alriyght. All I have to do is be patient and keep my trust on him. 

Was I asking too much? More than my riziq is allowing me to? Is there no outcome of my everlasting obsession? 

After ending my prayer, I started walking unconsciously. Sleep is long gone and my restlessness is only growing. Maybe a walk would lull me to sleep finally? A woman can only hope. 

The garden wasn't attached to the chamber I was staying in, so I did had to walk a little more than I had expected. But as the cold breeze of summer night hit me skin, it felt more refreshing than tiring. 

I sat down on the pavement on attached to garden, my feets grazing against the green grass tickling me sofly. The distant fragrance of rose flowing in air ever so slightly. It's not like there wasn't any other flowers but rose stood out of all of them. 

I leaned my head back to a nearby pillar, closing my eyes in solitude. 

"Are you seriously following me right now?" I opened my eyes immediately hearing the harsh voice directed at me. 

Deewan Saheb. 

I could never mistake that low voice of him. 

"I wasn't following you." I stood up tiding myself . 

"Then explain why are you outside of my chamber, in the middle of the night? Looking all-like that?" He crossed his arms over his chest. 

I am confused. What did I look like? Why did he change his words? 

"I was-" I took a step forward him but stopped immediately as he motioind me to stop with his hands. 

"Kab samjhigi aap? Aur kitni dafa bole aapko? Aap Shehzadi hain, koyi aam mulazim nehi. Aapko andaza bhi hain ki kya ho jayega agar jo kisi ko is baat ki ilm bhi lagi? Aur upar se yeh Taher bhi nehi hain, Ratangarh hain." The way his fingers ran through his soft locks contrasted his roughness. "Agar kise ne sun liya, humein bataye Shehazdi Sahiba, kya jawab degi aap?"

(When will you understand? How many more times should I tell you? You are a princess, not a maid. Do you have any guess of what will happen if someone gets to know these? And on top of that this isn't even Taher, it's Ratangarh. If someone were to listen, please enlighten me princess, what will you answer?)

I looked at him with a sense of longingness. Is that all he thinks of? My reputation and other hearing us? Am I and really that insignificant to him? 

"I really didn't come to see you." My voice soft, almost a whisper. Can he see how he is slowly killing me from inside? "I wanted to walk, sit in the garden for a while because I couldn't fall sleep."

As if realizing his mistake, his expression changed immediately. Those sharp gaze turned sober, more warm. The look of guilt lasted for a few moments before the indifference casted over his face again. 

"I-I am sorry about that. I shouldn't have talked to you like that." But how do I tell him, that's how he has been talking to me all along?

"Humein aapse ab ye bol dena chahiye. Jitna baat ko taal denge utna badhta jayega. Hum aapki aur aapki jaazbatoin ki izzat karte hain, qadar karte hain. Lekin aap jaise soch rahi hain, jo chahti hain, woh hum aapko nehi de sakte."

( I should tell you this now. The more I postpone this matter, the worse iit will get. I respect your emotions, value them even. But whatever you are thinking, what you want, I cannot give you that.)

I narrowed my eyes. The words he was speaking, it were as if he was speaking them in a foreign language. I couldn't condemn a single thing. 

"Yo-you should take a little more time." I couldn't even hear my own voice. 

"I have had more than enough time. And you shall know, no matter how much time I take, my answer isn't going to change. I don't see you like that, never did. You were and always will be the Princess of the Sultanate and Rashid's sister for me. Nothing more than that." He sighed. 

No. He doesn't know what he is saying. He cares too much about others, he is trying to protect me. I wanted to say all these aloud but no voice would escape my throat. 

"Deewan Saheb, humne aapke bina na kabhi kisi se mohabbat kiyi hain aur na kar payenge." I needed to tell him everything, so bad. But whenever I tried it my words couldn't convey my feelings. 

(Deewan Saheb, I never loved anyone else but you and I will never be able to in the future too.)

"Toh phir karna sikh lijiye ga Shehzadi Sahiba."

(Then please learn to do so, princess.) 

I wanted to say something, anything but it was too late. The words only slapped me when I saw his figure disappearing slowly. 

My body trembled and my skin burned. Did I always know that this is going to happen? Was I oblivious? I was just standing, my cheeks covered with tears that wouldn't stop flowing down. 

He might have said the last words but I will make the last decision. He dosen't know till what extent my love and obsession can go to.

I was being patient, giving him the choice while he still had it. But he let it go. He should have just accepted while I was being nice but I guess he doesn't want nice. 

I am the princess of Taher and my obsession for Amir Bin Azam begins where my inclination for him ends.