Aaliyah's POV

"And then he told me he brought a gift for me, it was bangles Baji. He said he couldn't afford golds just yet but when he does he will bring four, two for me and two for my mother-in-law." 

As I listened to her, I looked at the thick golden bangles on my wrist, one overshadowing another one while she was wearing some green and blue glass bangles with glitters on it. If someone were to put a value on them they would most definitely say mine is more valuable, costly. 

But if someone asks me which one is more precious, I would say the glass bangles on Humayra's hand. My bangles might have gold in it, her one has love, affection. While mine might be expensive, hers is rare. 

I hate to be like this, envious. Jealous. Always imagining myself in other's position, wondering what it would feel like to live their lives, be in their position. And while I try and do my best to compare myself with others, I end up doing it anyway. 

It's a circle I keep repeating. 

"It's beautiful, Humayra." I smiled warmly. It was, but the blush on her was more beautiful. I have always heard the women in the palace talking about the glow of a newlywed bride. Humayra was reflecting every bit of it. 

"I feel safe with him, it's as if I now have a reason to go home." She smiled while looking down at her bangles, her thumb caressing them delicately as if she was afraid of breaking them. 

"Do you hate me?" I asked with a gentleness in my voice. 

"What are you talking about, Baji?" Her brows furrowed in confusion.

"I am the reason you have to be here, basically I am keeping you here, away from him. Do you resent me for that?" 

I read her expression as they changed from confusion to bland to finally a soft beam. 

"He is my home, yes, but even before that you are home, this is my home," She held my wrist. "I could never hate you, not now, not ever."

We both chuckled as we realized we both started tearing up. And when I remembered it wasn't long till bhabijaan and Bisma baji left for their own respective destination the tears became a little too grave. 

The girl in front seemed tense as I raised my eyebrows in skepticism. "Are you sure?" 

"Shehzadi Sahiba I-" The girl looked at me with hesitation. 

"Baji, call me baji like everyone does." I crossed my arms, tapping my fingers against it. 

"Oh yes baji, I checked it several times to make sure there was no error." She looked down, unable to maintain eye contact with me.

Lying. She was definitely lying. 

"Yes? And if I check and find something suspicious you will take full accountability for it?" 

She looked back at me with terror in her eyes. There you go, got you. "Well?"

"I-I promise I am only playing along because they promised me a few coins. I have to take care of my whole family all alone, a little extra coins would really help." She kneeled in front of me. 

I sighed. I knew this had been going on. Since bhabijaan didn't have much memory of inner court, they were all taking advantage of her innocence. For a few days it was normal again when bhabijaan finally got a hold of the idea but now as she left for her cousin's wedding they had started again. 

"Who?"

"The head lady and her immediate helping hand." She was on the verge of sobbing.

"Will you testify?" 

"If-if I do, they will ruin me, my whole family." She finally let out a sob.

"Fine, if you want to choose their threats over a princess's favour then what can I do?" I smiled at her but nothing about the smile was kind or warm. 

"No!" She raised her chin to look at me, her eyes all red and puffy. I felt bad for her. It's always the innocents that suffer between court politics. "I will do it! I will do everything you ask me, j-just protect my family." She pleaded. 

"Don't worry, I promise to protect you and your family." I walked away with a nod to the guard indicating to keep an eye on her. 

"You went easy on her." Humayra taunted from behind. The glass bangles on her wrist crankled a little too much to my liking as she walked. 

Stop.

"No, I didn't." Pathetic, that's what I am. Getting bitter about my friend having a happy married life. I should sit on the prayer mat and ask forgiveness from Allah for being like this.

"She crossed you and Begum Sahiiba." She emphasised her point. 

"She was helpless, and helplessness often makes you do things that are ethically wrong." I gulped realizing how unknowingly I might be describing my own situation. 

"She had choices," She pressed. "Choices to make other than that."

"And how do you know those choices would have not backfired? Sometimes in life when you look ahead you don't see as many options available as others do. You only see one or sometimes none, taking a decision that you think will work in your favor. It might not be the best choice at present but every so often they surprisingly work in your favor." 

She tried to talk but I stopped her, "If she had tried to stop them she would have gotten hurt and if she tried to come and tell us they would have stopped them. Their authority is way higher than that small girl."

The look of realization finally hit her face. "And now she is protected by you and the guard all the time." She muttered. 

"Bilkul, ise liye jo bhi hota hain, humari behtari ke liye hota hain." Was I saying that to her or reassuring myself?

(Exactly, so whatever happens, it happens for the best.) 

For days I have been controlling myself, controlling so I wouldn't go search for him like a desperate girl even though that's exactly what I was. So that I do give him enough time to think and don't end up making him more uncomfortable. 

But why is it harder than before? Before I knew he didn't know anything but now that I have opened myself bare in front of him, my days keep passing thinking what is he thinking? Is it positive or something that would shatter all my dreams? 

I stood in the shadows making sure he wouldn't see me. The bangles in my hands and the anklets were all removed before I came here. Bhaijaan and he is practising with sword in their hands and even though bhaijaan seems to overtake him from time to time, with his wittiness he seems to handle himself pretty well.

I didn't want to remove my bangles since there were fresh marks on my wrist today, because I forgot to go greet Ammi in the morning. But they make so much noise and I wanted to conceal myself . I just have to be extra careful so no one notices.

"What do you think you are doing?" The voice. I know whose it is, oh no. 

Licking my dry lips, I turned around making sure I kept my hands hidden under my long hairs. "Deewan Saheb," I looked down, I definitely didn't think he would notice me. "I was just waiting for Bhaijaan to be done with his practice so I could spend some time with him." 

Please buy it, please buy it.

Should I tell him I had done that purposely this time so if he did see me he would take care of my mess like he said he would? Why is it that nowadays I can't stop thinking about him? Even in my prayers where all my attention should be on my creator? 

I seek him, crave him, wait for him. 

"He did?" I acted as if I cared. I didn't. I didn't come here hoping I could spend time with bhaijaan, rather hoping I could busk my eyes in the presence of the man in front of him. 

He nodded once withdrawing his hands back. 

"What a shame but...would you like to join me for a walk back to my chamber?" I looked back at him.

"And why should I, Shehzadi Sahiba?" He gave a playful smile, making my heart stop beating for a moment. That same feeling, again. Am I sick or something?

"Because a princess should never walk alone and I didnt bring Humayra with me." I try to prove a point. 

"So I am appointed as your new bodyguard now?" He nodded at me silently asking me to walk ahead. 

But I wanted to walk beside him, with him. Ignoring my desires I started walking. And as I did I looked over my shoulder smiling, "Yes, and for a lifetime Deewan Saheb." I will make sure one day I walk by you side, hands in hands, I thought. 

The thoughts began to blur my mind yet once again. All I have been doing is living with these memories, as they plan on my mind a thousand times a day. But as of now I have to push those thoughts aside. Only a day is left until we leave for Ratangarh, and I have done little to no preparations at all. Even when Humayra brought several outfits, each one even more lush than the previous one, I couldn't help but think how I will miss him even if it's only a week. 

"What do you think?" She looked at me. 

"Behad khubsurat. Darzi saheb ne waaqey kaamal ka kam kiya hain." My fingers felt the fabric against my skin. Shiny, lavish, sparkly, everything my life might look like from outside. 

(Very pretty. The tailor has really outstand himself.)

"Kar na padega Baji, akher Rajputo ko bhi toh pata chale mughal sultanate kitna alishan hain." She grinned. 

(Of course he had to, after all the Rajputs should know how magnificent the Mughals are.) 

"Haan jaise ke ye koyi muqabla ho rahi hain yaha." I scoffed. 

( Yes, as if there is a competition going on here.) 

"Muqabla hi toh hain," Her words made me pause "Barson ka." 

( It is a competition in fact. Of years.) 

I sighed, she is right. I wonder what it would have been like if Bhaijaan and Bhabijaan's marriage wasn't fixed, what would happen? I hear about all the wars between Rajputs and Mughals all the time. Thank Allah that we don't have to go through that. 

"Have you already packed everything you need?" Saad bhai nudged my side as I watched the guards and attendees prepare for our departure. 

"Yes, I-" 

"Phir waha jaane ke baad ye nehi sunna humein ke bhaijaan ye chahiye, woh chahiye. Woh Ratangarh hain, aapka Taher nehi." 

(I don't want to hear you whining after we go there. That is Ratangarh, not your Taher.)

"Bhaijaan!" I looked at him with a pout on my lips. Why is he always teasing me!

"Kya? Aur phir aapke baade bhaijaan bhi nehi hain aapke nakhre uthane ke liye waha. Humse toh koyi umeed bhi na rakhe aap."

(What? And then your big brother is also not going to be there to take your tantrums. Don't even keep any hope from me.)

"I won't!" I glared at him before looking away.

"Aww, my little sister got upset? I was teasing you, you know it! I would bring anything for you, no matter how impossible it is, no matter the place or time. All you have to do is ask." He turned me around, tapping on my nose. 

"Then why do you keep teasing me?" I crossed my arms but behind him I saw Deewan Saheb talking something with Baade Bhaijaan. A slow smile immediately tugged at my lips as his presence came to my notice.

"Because it's fun, and all the faces you make? SubhanAllah, so worth to look at." His words brought me back from my haze, I turned my gaze back to Saad Bhaijaan. 

"Fine, I will let you but only because I love you." I linked my arms with him as we walked towards Baade bhaijaan and Deewan Saheb. My eyes locked with him for a brief moment before he turned away to look at Saad Bhaijaan. I sighed, it's like a loop we are repeating. It makes me almost regret giving him time to think about. 

What is he thinking so hard about?

"You look anxious?" Saad bhai asked Baade bhaijaan, making me look at him. Without giving him time to reply he started again, "Let me guess, the absence of Bhabijaan is taking away all your peace." He grinned in amusement. 

There he goes again. He is so going to get scolded. 

"Do you know anything else besides running your mouth like that?" He gave him a stern glare. 

"Ask that same question to the ladies of this palace sometimes," He smirked. "They can answer better."

Astagfirullah. 

"Kuch toh lihaj kar lijiye, choti behen sath mein khadi hain." He shook his head in disappointment.

(At least have some shame, your little sister is standing beside you.)

"Isme lihaj wali kaunsi baat hain, abhi Aaliyah bhi baad ho rahi hain." He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. 

(What is so shameful about it, even Aaliyah is growing up now.)

Baade Bhaijaan gave up exhaling a long sigh. "You should go otherwise the sun is about to rise." 

"He is right. All the preparation is done so you should leave as early as possible." Deewan Sahen chimed in. 

Even though I know him coming along wouldn't have been no better since he is going to try and ignore me anyway but it still would have been nice if he did. At least I could look at him from time to time. With a heavy heart I made my way to the carriages standing at the entrance of the palace.

My heart and body was eager to look back, once. But in the end I didn't. 

I didn't turn back.