Aaliyah's POV

"You look absentminded. Are you okay?" Bisma baji nudged on my shoulder.

No, I wasn't. In fact I don't remember the last time I was okay. 

"I am fine." I lied. 

"You don't look fine my little baby. What happened? You know you can tell me anything and everything!" 

Can I though? What is the probability that she wont judge me? Go tell this to others? Or even scold me as if I made a mistake. It's not. My life might be perfect but I am not, rather I am far from it. But falling in love with that man is anything but a mistake.

"I was just worried about the whole situation about bhabijaan and ammi. You shouldn't have taken her there." I lied partially.

"I shouldn't have." She admits a defeated sigh. "I should have asked Rashid bhai before taking her there. I didn't just know they would be present there too. I just wanted to show her around. I also didn't know she wasn't supposed to meet any of them." 

"I understand. It wasn't your fault. You just should have been more careful. But it's okay. I think they forgot about that already." I squeezed her arms with a reassuring smile.

It's actually surprising how I can reassure people when my own life is in a tangle that seems unwilling to de-tangle. People say that if you are unhappy yourself then you can't make others around you happy. I have been doing quite the opposite actually. Making everyone else happy around me seems easier than making myself happy even though I have what they desire.

"We will leave soon. Maybe I can talk to Bhabijaan before that? Would you please help me?" She got down from my bed.

"You don't have to say please baji, I will help you anyway." 

"I have to make arrangements for the departure but join me for a walk in the garden later?" She smiled at me.

"I will." I watched her leave. 

I freshened up and did my evening prayer as the sun turned a little colder. But it was still hot since summer was coming in full bloom now. The golden hue of the sun fell on my golden jewelry making it look more legal than ever as I was returning from my walk with Bisma baji, Rubina following me just behind.

It was upsetting that baji was leaving. My life only contained a few selected people and Bisma baji was definitely one of them. It was nice to have one more person to talk to for a while. And while we do write to each other pretty often it's not the same as being in person. 

My eyes caught a flash of amber eyes blazing in the sun as my feet stopped on my own. I could never miss those eyes. Not even in my unconsciousness. If I thought my jewels looked legal in the sun a few moments ago, I thought so wrong. The person in front of me looked better than any precious jewelry I had in my collection.

His amber eyes looked like dripping honey and those black hair shone like raven's feathers in that light. Unknowingly my feet carried me to his presence like a bee to pollen. He was talking to someone but he dismissed him before I got there. 

There was a piece of paper, probably a letter in his hands that he seemed to clutch awfully firmly. Is that his mother? She is the only one I know who sends him letters.

His side was facing me so he didn't see me yet but as I got closer to him the noise of my bangles and anklets made him alert. He finally faced me, making me wish I could admire him a little longer.

"Shehzadi Sahiba." He gave a curt bow. 

"Humne aapse kinti dafa kaha hain humein itni takkalluf dene ki koyi jarurat nehi hain." I smiled softly. 

(How many times have I told you there's no need to treat me with such formality.)

"Shezhadi hain aap sultanate ki."

(You are the princess of this kingdom.)

Aur aapke deewane bhi.

(And crazy for you too.)

"We have known each other since we were kids. At least when there's no one around us? Does that make it better?"

"You and your Bhaijaan are so alike." He shakes his head. 

"What do you mean?" I asked curiously. 

"He literally says the same thing to me all the time." 

"So did you agree?"

"I did." He smiled. He just smiled at me. "Forcefully though." He added.

"So you should do the sa-" Suddenly a blow of wind hit my face making my veil fall from my head. The air of spring touched my body, making me shiver a little. A piece of paper also hit my feet making me look down. 

It was the letter Deewan Saheb had in his hands. I crouched down to pick up the paper. I didn't mean to pry but a certain word caught my eyes, marriage. Repetitively mentioned several times in the letter. 

"Can I have it back?" He forwarded his hands towards me. The letter that he seemed to firmly clutch in his fingers a while ago burned in my hands now. The way I was holding it made it all crinkled but I was too lost to think about that. What does it mean by 'marriage'. My heart raced and my mind started making all sorts of scenarios. 

"Aap nikah kar rahe hain?" My voice trembled slightly despite trying to control it.

(You are getting married?)

"Aapko dekhna nehi chahiye tha." He took the letter from my hands gently.

(You weren't supposed to see that.)

"Jawab dijiye Deewan Saheb, kya aap nikah farma rahe hain?" I asked firmly, almost desperately. What is wrong with me, I rarely lose my composure or never rather. 

(Answer me Deewan Saheb, are you really getting married?)

But the thought of him marrying another woman, bringing her to his home, having children with her, touching her like I dreamt he would touch me, spending a lifetime with her. It blurred my better judgement. 

He seemed confused by my sudden firmness. But nodded his head a moment later. I gulped as my throat seemed to lose all its moisture. He can't be getting married, no. Not with someone else. Not when I still haven't told him how my whole soul craves him. Not when I am...still alive.

"Aap nehi kar sakte ye nikah. Ya phir kise ke sath bhi nehi kar sakte." I took a step closer to him. My helplessness, my despair reeked my voice. 

(You can't do this marriage. Or get married to anyone at all)

"What do you mean?" He asked even more perplexed. 

What is he so confused about! All this time I have been making it more than obvious that I see him more than anything I am supposed to see him as. Isn't he supposed to be the smartest man in the sultanate? How can he not see through me? The same woman he grew up with!

"Well?" He pressed for more. 

My heart started beating so fast and loud that I was certain he could hear it even from a respective distance. 

"Kyunki-kyunki..." I stuttered. Which is weird because I have loved him since the longest time I could remember. And yet I struggled to find words to convey my feelings to him. I feel like all my words would fall short in front of my emotions. He wouldn't get me. 

(Because-because...)

"Taakhliya." I looked over my shoulder at Rubina as she started taking steps backwards.

"Kyunki hum aapse mohobbat karte hain. Karte aaye hain. Aapke hasrat-E-deedar hain hum. Muntazir rehete ke kab aap samne aayenge aur hum aapko dekh payenge. Itna ki aapki berukhi bhi humein acchi lagti hain. Mutasir hain aapke. Humari wujood, humari zindegi se murad aapse aur sirf aapse hain Deewan Saheb." I sniffed a breath.

(Because I love you. Have always been. I get desperate just for your presence. Get eager that you will be in front of me and I will be able to see you. So much that I love even your rudeness. I am obsessed with you. My existence, the meaning of my life is all from you Deewand Saheb.)

"Y-ye kaisi ghair mozoon wali batein hain!" He took a step back. 

(W-what kind of inappropriate conversation is this?)

"Ye aapko na munasib or ghair mozoon batein lag rahi hain? Humare jazbaat hain ye, ulfat hain ye. Aapke liye." I say with annoyance. How dare he insult my feelings even if they are for him!

(You think this conversation is not okay? Inappropriate? These are my emotions, my affections. For you.)

He looked both to his side before stepping closer to me. He looked at me with pleading eyes whispering his words. "Please, Shehzadi Sahiba. We are merely a few meters away from the garden. Do you know how many people, how many attendees roam around at this specific place at this moment? If anyone were to hear whatever you are saying it will utterly hamper and tarnish your honor. Let's not be irrational-"

"Irrational?" My voice became unsteady, in fact my whole body did. 

All these feelings that I have for him are merely some fleeting emotions for him? He is insulting me, my love, my affection that I sowed with so much care all these years is not some infatuation. They made me who I am, they are my growth as a person. People will call it obsession or even extreme but the hope of receiving love from him kept me alive all these years. 

"These feelings are anything but irrational Deewan Saheb," I tried to keep my calm but it seemed like the most difficult task right now.

"Hum jante hain ke aapke liye ye sab behad achanak hain. Lekin humare jazbatoin ko yu zaleel na karein. Aapko pata bhi hum kabse chahte hain aapko? Jabse mohabbat lafz ka matlab bhi ilm bhi nehi tha tab se. Aapko apna humsafar mante hain aur mante aaye hain. Humain samajhne ki koshish kijiye h-"

(I know this is all very sudden for you. But please don't insult my feelings like that. Do you even know when I liked you? Since I didn't even know the meaning of the word love. I think of you as my life partner. Please try to understand me-)

"Bus kijiye." I took a step back from the impact of his words. He is always so curt and guarded around me. He ran his fingers through his hairs in frustration.

(Stop please.)

Even when he is making me feel so miserable, he doesn't fail to make me swoon over him more.

HIs eyes softened slightly, he looked at me pleadingly, stepping closer to me. In a whispering tone he started, "This is not a conversation appropriate for you Shehzadi Sahiba. Do you know how much they enjoy gossiping?"

I look at him with pleading eyes. matching his own. 

"Please try to understand, yes? If someone hears you they will assume the worst. It will deeply hamper your reputation and honor as a princess."

How can he be so calculative and perceptive even at this time. When I just put my heart out to him, bare and open.

"You are not understanding me." I said through my clenching teeth even thighs my voice slightly trembled, so did my whole body.

"And you aren't either?" He matched my tone.

I don't understand him? I? I have spent more than half of my life understanding him. If I don't understand him then no one else ever will.

"I will forget this conversation ever took place. We shall pretend we never talked about such things. You won't seek me and I will keep my distance." He immediately did what he said he would by taking a step back creating the ever known distance between us. 

Unknowingly beneath the long sleeves of my dress, the nails of my forefinger pricked my thumb nail making yet another scratch on top of the old ones. I did that so often that if anyone ever saw that they would say someone tried to peel my skin off.

"Few days," I breathed. "I will give you a few days. As I said I acknowledge that this is all very sudden to you and you need time to process. I have waited for you for years, I can wait a couple more days. So think about it before deciding on anything else."

Because I won't take no for an answer, the words burned on the tip of my tongue.

Before he could say anything else, I fixed my veil walking away from him. I entered my bedchamber noticing Rubina lighting up the now dim room with candles and a few other attendees helping her. I nodded at her once asking her to leave. 

Immediately she started walking, taking all the other girls with her along. I don't know if Humayra not being here right now with me is a curse or blessing. She is away for the week for her wedding or else one look, and she would know instantly what was going on.

My sight fell on my reflection on the mirror. Is this how I looked in front of him all these time? So disheveled and rumpled? My eyes looked all puffy indicating I must have been crying which is weird because I don't remember crying. But I definitely did.

I sat down on the floor hugging my knees, my dress rounding up on the floor, my veil long gone. This isn't how I imagined telling him about my feelings. I don't know which way I did but definitely not like this. So hurried and rushed. So sudden that it will put him in a place.

But he was marrying soon! What was I supposed to do? Watch him live a happy life with some other woman? Make love to her? Even the thought made my stomach churn with disgust. If only I knew who this woman is.

No! What is wrong with me? Even if I knew who that woman was I still wouldn't do anything. Yes, I wouldn't.

A love so old, I wonder what its outcome will look like.

"You've been wearing pink a lot strangely." He tucked a piece of hair that escaped my tightly done ponytail. I am sure Ammi's handmaiden had done it so roughly that it hurt my scalp. 

Because he liked pink. But why do I care?

"And your hair is a mess too Shehzadi Sahiba." He smiled.

"Because I was playing with Humayra." I tried to tidy myself even a bit. With the back of my hand I smoothed my forehead cleaning any other hair piece but that made him chuckle more. I looked down at my hand as realization hit me how there was mud there.

"In the mud." His thumb rubbed against my forehead removing the wet substance from there. 

What was the warm and mushy thing I just felt? And why do I wish he did that again?

"Your bhaijaaan is going to be so angry at you if gets to know." He withdrew his hand, making me miss the warmth instantly.

"I didn't know it was raining earlier." For some reason I couldn't make myself look him in the eye. So I looked to my side avoiding eye contact with him.

"You are going to get sick. You have a weak immune system." 

"If I get sick, will you take care of me?" I tilted my head finally looking at him.

"Ya Allah, you shouldn't jinx yourself like that." He shook his head in disapproval. He does that a lot, as if everything in the world has to be perfect and according to him. "But to answer your question, yes. I will always take care of you Shehzadi Sahiba."

I hugged myself even more. Was that a lie then? Empty promises? Said in the heat of the moment? Does his own word carry no value to him?

The memory feels so distant now. Has it been that long since I felt that warmth? Has it really been that long?